quitting the habit of an adult lifetime

Afternoon

Right, so I want to give up smoking. In fact, i've wanted to give up smoking for rather a long time but i need some help.

The last time i quit (you understand that i use that term loosely) i used one of those nicotine fake cigarette thingy-me-jigs. it worked but i looked and felt like a neurotic retard. its one thing 'puffing' away on a bit of plastic in the comfort of ones own home but a different matter all together when you're down your local boozer sucking on this thing as if your life depended on it.

Inevitably, i quit quitting.

Sigh

You see, and im sure every addict says this, i like smoking. i like the whole act of smoking. Ive got my baccy pouch (aged with use) and I sit there and roll away to my heart's content. It took me a long time to learn the art of rolling a cigarette without it resembling a tampon and i'm rather proud of the fact that i can now do it. I think that's understandable dont you?

It all started when I was 16.

I went to a new (and far more liberal school) in an exciting part of London. The girls there were exciting. They seemed to belong to a far more enticing world, nothing like the conservative middle class, middle aged, surburban sorority that i had come from. They had dreadlocks, piercings and tattoos. And most importantly, to my adolescent brain, they were having sex. both with each other and with men. I wanted what they had. And what did they all have in common?

They smoked of course.

So i smoked.

It started with me buying a 10 deck of Marlborough Lights. i'd smoke them at breaks or on nights out but never at home and i never really craved one.

I got the piercings (my mum used to mock that if she held a magnet up from home it would be able to bring me back from school i had that much metal in my face) i got the crazy hair and i got the tattoos (in all fairness id already got one of these at 14...clearly there was no hope from earlier than id thought) all i needed was the man (or woman)

I got the man

The man was great. The man smoked. I smoked more.

By the time I got to uni i was a committed smoker. none of this half arsed shit. i rolled and i smoked and i was proud of both of these things.

It's been 4 years since i graduated and i still smoke. So you see, smoking is a part of my adult life. i have to all intents and purposes always been a smoker.

How do you give up on such a habit then?

Answers on a postcard.

This is War

We are at war.

For some time now we have been terrorised by a bastard black cat. He comes in the house, defecates in the living room, sprays everywhere and eats keith's food. Today, he actually barged through the catflap and nearly destroyed the door.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Held to ransom by an angry black matted ball of fluff with teeth.

you think im exaggerating?

Honest to Zeus if this cat had a middle finger that it could stick up at me, it would.

So what should I do?

I cant catch it, i cant get close enough to throw water over it and keith cant defend himself against it. i may just borrow the old man's BB gun and shoot at it.

Would that count as animal cruelty? Hmm.yes. dammit.

Will have to rethink and come back to you.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Hmm.

So it seems that time of the year has come round again. You know, that time when you feel you want to change everything in your life. From the colour and cut of your hair to the people you hang around with and from the job that you do to the place that you live. You know that feeling yeah?

well that's where im at.

Of course this happens with relative frequency. I'll decide that im not happy or satisfied with X,Y and Z, il make some radical change and then I'll regret it. Why is that?

I was speaking to a friend this morning and he said something along the lines of it being important that you see the world for what it is and not what you want/need it to be. He also waxed lyrical on his belief that relying on other people in these times of self doubt was not the way to go. This makes sense. But the question is how to put all this information/advice/whatever you want to call it into practice?

Im all about the positive thinking and the being honest with oneself but im also all about the over analysing and getting depressed bit. Deary me i hear you cry. Of course, perhaps if i were to wallow a little less in the bath of self doubt i might get somewhere.

But how do i stop doubting myself? which ever road I take, it doesnt seem to be quite right and then I run back to the familiar and the comforting. This is excuciatingly irritating. Maybe, in the immortal words of a popular Baz Luhrman song, I should do something each day that scares me.

Today I have had to get rid of a lot of maggots. Do you think that counts?

I shall start planning for tomorrow's scary thing. This at least might be a good place to start.

Virginity

Right, so here I am.

Since this is the first post I think we'll start with something simple:

''There once was a man who said,'Damn!
It seems to me now that I am
Just a being that moves in predestinate grooves
Not a bus, not a bus but a tram'"

Well that's got the reason behind the name of the blog out of the way.